Haven't posted in a while, and I'm too lazy to go back and read previous posts to see if I'll be repeating myself. Tonight is the night that I know my heart is about to be officially broken by the one I love. I've sent him an email that I know he won't like. He gets upset when I try to talk about my feelings, so I put it down on paper - or at least an email this time to see if he can finally understand. I explained to him some insecurities I've had. He tends to add to the insecurity just as often as not, and then he ridicules me for feeling like I don't measure up. I decided tonight that it's just not healthy to live your life wondering if today's the day your heart will be shattered.
I was having dinner with a friend the other night. He and I were discussing this whole new frontier of dating after, let's say 45, since that will include both of us. It's difficult because we now have 'baggage'. He sees his baggage in the 3 kids he's raising, and the difficult position that places him in. He's a wonderful guy. We've had lunches and dinners together a few times. He knows I'm seeing someone, but he says he needs friends to do things with. All of that was OK until he kissed me kind of out of the blue. Whoa! I've got a boyfriend, remember? He promised it wouldn't happen again. But it did. Just a couple of nights ago. I was upset over a few things that had happened with the boyfriend, who of course then immediately said that I'm just too insecure. Come on. If you go out to dinner, or to a symphony and the guy you're with spends more time checking out all of the other women, and very little time paying attention to you, wouldn't you feel a little insecure about 'measuring up'? Or is it just me? Should a man not only look at other women while in your presence, but also comment on their attire?
I had posed this question to my 'friend' during dinner. He found it to be rude behavior, which is exactly what I was thinking, which made me a little sad. Then he kissed me. Don't worry if you're reading this......it was completely g-rated. I was just taken by surprise. This second time he kissed me didn't offend me or set off alarms like the first time did. Maybe it's because he had just sat through dinner and a movie without once checking out the other women or commenting on what they were wearing. Maybe that's what I found so refreshing.
I expect to be without a boyfriend tomorrow. That's too bad since I have a company party coming up on the 10th. I was looking forward to having a date. Then again, he probably wouldn't have noticed I was there.