Sunday, November 22, 2009

A day of family

I greatly enjoy my Saturday "date" with the grandkids. Every once in a while, it gets even better when Mommy or Daddy joins us. Today it was Daddy. He hasn't tagged along in a while, so there were some changes he didn't know about.
Jake greets our waiter by name - "Hi Agrone (?)!" After all, he's seen him 30 or 40 times a year since he was 3. He now gets his own breakfast plate with a pancake, scrambled eggs, and 2 sausages. He doesn't eat his pancake slathered in peanut butter, cut in half, then folded in half, and dipped in a puddle of syrup on his plate. No. He wants it "like Grandma eats it", which means slathered in peanut butter, cut into bite-size pieces, covered with syrup and eaten with a fork. He's a big boy now.
Josh and Jordan still split a breakfast - 1 pancake eaten by hand as described above. Jordan takes all the eggs (plus some of mine), and they each have a sausage. One or the other will usually plunder additional sausage from my plate. That's OK. I don't like sausage, so it's ordered for them anyway.
If everyone cleans their plate, they know they get candy from the machine in the entry. They run to the seats in the lobby and wait patiently while I pay. Jake gets to put the quarter in and turn the dial, but I usually try to catch the candy. One by one, they each hold a coat pocket open for me to drop the candy in, then they can munch it all the way home. Daddy says this ritual is a little strange.
We got to hit Target after breakfast today. Neither of us had much of a shopping list in mind, but the kids had been promised a trip. When we pulled up Joshy said "Yay, we get to eat lunch at Target!" He was disappointed when we pointed out that we had just eaten. Apparently Daddy had promised lunch at Target before realizing that Saturday is Birch Tree day. That boy is an eating machine, and probably would have polished off another meal.
We had a few rounds of hide-and-seek before I headed off to see my friend Sherry. They've become excellent players. They no longer pop out before they're found, though Josh has a habit of hiding in the same place each time. He declared Jordan the "best hider".
The night was topped off at the movies with my son. We hadn't done that in a long time. We saw Blind Side, which was an excellent movie. I'm pretty sure I saw a couple of tears discreetly wiped away at the end, but maybe his eyes were just tired.....
I got an invitation to the Alaska shootout Wednesday night when OU plays Houston. I look forward to another mother/son outing. I've never gone to the game before, so I'm excited. Besides, my son-in-law and my daughter are die-hard OU fans (primarily football), and I'm sure they'll envy the fact that I'll be there.
All in all, a fantastic day. Then I came home to my empty apartment. Played around on the computer, and as I was putting on my jammies, I had an urge to sleep on the couch. I do that once in a while when I know I'm going to have a restless night. There's a problem with that since I quickly realized (duh) I don't have a couch. Maybe I'll work on that tomorrow. After I buy new tires. Hmmmm.....I don't know of any tire stores that sell couches. It will be a busy day.

Friday, November 20, 2009

I fell out of love today

That's a sad title, but unfortunately true.

"Mr Right" came on strong in May. He was somewhat frightening in his pursuit, but it was exciting to feel like someone wanted so badly to be with me. There were a few occasions that were almost stalkerish, but became endearing. Here I stood, the epitome of a commitmentphobe, and yet this guy was so persistent.

Once I realized how wonderful he was, I had a hard time finding a comfortable place in the relationship. I've been self-sufficient for so long that I felt reluctant, or maybe just shy, when he would offer help in the daily struggles of life. He had struggles of his own, and would ask my opinion. I'm not accustomed to having someone turn to me for help. We had fantastically long conversations. I probably spoke more words to him in the first month than I have uttered to any one person in the last 3 years. He was an open book, and I found myself becoming the same. It was so flattering when at the end of the evening, I would have to pry him out the door. I actually had to declare a curfew so that I could get to bed at a decent hour. Yet day after day for the first 3 months, he was always there. There with/for coffee in the morning. There with/for dinner in the evening. And I never grew tired of his company.

I've been a loner for most of my life. I lived for and through my children, and I loved every minute of it. Of course, they're independent adults with kids of their own. It's about time I find friends in my own age bracket. And yes, the idea of finally settling down with a man has its appeal. This relationship was so unlike any I had experienced before. What could go wrong?

And then one day he didn't call. Without explanation. 2 weeks went by. And then 3. I kept asking myself what I had done wrong. It had to be my fault.

And then the texts started. "I want early morning coffee and late night movies." Seeing those words caused a physical pain in my heart, and I jumped at the chance. It wasn't the same. He was distant. He didn't say he loved me. Unless I said it first. Which I did. Over and over, hoping that it would jar something in him and bring back what we had.

And then one day he didn't call. Once again, without explanation. 2 weeks went by before I once again read "I want early morning coffee and late night movies."

I went to the movie. We have a dinner here and there. Neither of us says "I love you". I spent time today examining my feelings and found numbness. The man I met has never returned. The man I spend time with here and there is pleasant enough, but I don't love him. Maybe because he doesn't love me. I don't know where that man I loved went. I miss him. I miss loving. But most of all, I miss being loved.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


If you were wearing a parachute and you were told that there is a 95% chance that it would open, would you jump from a 100% secure airplane? That's the question I'm asking myself after a recent conversation with the "boyfriend". We (well, I) had pretty much decided to end the relationship, but he insisted he needed to see me over the Valentine's Day weekend. I agreed and made a date to spend the day with him on Saturday. We did the usual 'date' with the grandkids. After all, I don't give that up for anyone. After we dropped them off, we did some shopping at Costco and the mall, and then came back to my place to talk.
He gave me a V-Day gift of Russian nesting dolls, saying they were symbolic of the depth and layers of our relationship. He told me that he's 95% committed to a relationship with me. Huh? He said he had given himself fully to his previous marriage, but now he holds a small part of himself back because he doesn't want to be hurt again. When told this information, I hadn't yet considered the parachute analogy used above, but I'm not sure how I feel about that dangling 5%. How do you hold a part of yourself back from a commitment if you are truly committed? Is that the 5% that would come back to haunt me if he found someone he could commit to 100%?

Does that 5% represent an open window to accommodate the occasional need to sneak around with someone else? After all, our relationship hums along quite nicely, right up until he feels the need to occasionally sing a different song. The number of times he's been forgiven is becoming embarrassing to admit. No, he's not out and out "cheating". He just feels the need to maintain internet/phone-based "friendships" with other women. He's always willing to give them up and say he's sorry - if I catch him, that is. After the last incident, I gave up being his cyber-sitter and broke off the relationship. Keeping track of his internet activity is just too exhausting.

So now the question is out there. Can I forgive him one more time? Especially if he is now willing to commit a "full" 95%? He claims that he was previously at 75%, but the fact that I walked away brought him perspective. What about the fact that he's been saying "I love you" for 4 months? Can you truly love someone that you're 75% committed to? Does "I love you" mean more now that the number is 95%?

Who said love gets easier as you get older? I think it just gets more complicated. Few choices. The choices are damaged (myself included). Maybe it's me. Maybe I should accept his 95%, but promise only 90% in return. Now I'm just being facetious. I think.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Grandma - again!

Sadly, my daughter has returned to OK, but the happy news is that she had an ultrasound today that confirmed she's 5 weeks along. YaY! It looks like I'll be planning a trip to OK in the fall. Thank goodness the humidity will be gone by then.

My favorite niece has announced her wedding date as August 22, which means I'll be headed to Oregon for that. It's less expensive to fly into Seattle so I'll fly in and get a car from there. I haven't been back to Washington or Oregon for almost 10 years, so I look forward to the time there. It will be a great road trip.

I had been hoping for a tropical vacation in May, but with these 2 trips looming, and only 2 weeks of vacation time available, I may have to put it off. It remains to be seen.

I finally made the smart decision and dumped the boyfriend, but he's calling and being SO sweet. He'll be in town this weekend, and I know it will upset a lot of people, but I'll probably spend some time with him. It was easy to ignore him when my daughter was in town, but I'm not so steadfast when I'm on my own. Don't worry, R & R, I haven't forgotten his latest escapade. This doesn't mean I'm taking him back. It just means I'm not good at saying no to spending time with him when he's standing right in front of me. This is his last trip into town for probably 3 or 4 months, so it will be easy to cut communication once he's gone again. He called and told me that he bought something for me for V day (which I don't celebrate). He says it's something that 100% reminds him of me, so I'm really curious to see what that may be.

For now I've got to get busy. I didn't clean house the entire time my daughter was here, so I have a lot to get done. Maybe some day something will happen in my life that's actually worth writing about.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Rough day

I have the greatest job imaginable, but there are some days that truly try my patience. Today just happened to be one of them. Then to top it off, we're in the middle of a blizzard. Those highly paid, but seldom correct meteorologists predicted 5 inches of snow today, followed by 3 more tonight, but there was barely a dusting this afternoon. I went from my office to my son's house for lasagna. My poor daughter was suffering from a migraine, and 3 noisy kids aren't the best match for a migraine. When we left this evening, there was a blizzard going on. We probably got 2 to 3 inches of snow in a half hour. It was a miserable drive home.

My daughter came home and went straight to bed, so I'm sitting here watching the show she recommended - Burn Notice. It's funny. I'll probably watch again. I'm going to have to invest in a DVR. I'm becoming a TVaholic. Ugh! I can't let that happen! I haven't been to the gym since she got here. I'll have to go twice a day for a couple of weeks after she leaves. I'm planning a tropical vacation in May. I don't know where I'm going, or if anyone will be going with me, but I'm determined to go. I have a great bathing suit I bought for Hawaii, and I have to make sure it still fits.

So far during the visit, my daughter and I have eaten sushi, great Chinese food, and an ice cream cake for her birthday. Definitely a pattern there. We gone shopping and seen a movie. Tomorrow we're swimming with the grandkids and seeing "He's just not that in to you". One of my male friends was a sneak preview and said it's fantastic. Coming from a man, it was a great review.

My daughter leaves Monday morning, and time is moving way too fast. She has a lot to look forward to because she gets to see her best friend when she flies through Seattle, and she's having an ultrasound Tuesday to get her first look at the upcoming bundle of joy. It looks like a trip to Oklahoma is coming up around late September. Yay!!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Volcanic explosion!!!

Um, no. The volcano hasn't exploded. You lower - 48ers are freaking out WAY more than we are. Calm down! We're safe. We're far enough away that we won't be swept into the sea by any resulting lava flow. We may see an ash cloud, but just so you know, I survived the 1980 blast from Mt. St. Helen's in SW Washington. I was living in Portland, OR at the time. Ash has a way of entering your home from the smallest of cracks. I came home everyday and had to clean the ash off of all of my kitchen surfaces, but there were no other repercussions.

At this point, if that volcano doesn't blow, we'll be very disappointed that it's been so much more trouble than it was worth. Blow, Redoubt, Blow!! (I'm not serious, OK?)
So excited! My daughter is visiting from Oklahoma. She was supposed to fly in Tuesday, but OK got one of their typical ice storms, which delayed/canceled flights, and she was bumped to Friday. She got in at midnight, and even though she flew in to the small satellite section of the airport, it took a solid hour to get her bag. It was crazy! They kept starting the belt. Nothing would show up and then it would go off again. There were no other arriving planes, so midnight to 1:00 a.m. is a bit long to wait for a bag. She was hungry, so we had some McDonalds and headed home. She fell into bed exhausted, but I was so excited by the fact that she's here that I didn't get to sleep until almost 3. I'm not sure she's aware of that since she was surprised that I slept until 9. Oh well.

We went to breakfast with the family. I generally take the 3 grandkids out most Saturday mornings, so it was fun having everyone there. We made a Costco trip afterward. I spent $46 on crab legs that Raychel, Rachelle and I will feast on at some point when my son isn't around to complain about the smell of cooking them. Yummy!

While my daughter is here, I'll have to indulge in the things I don't get to do much on my own. Well, it's not that I don't do them, it's just that I always do them alone - go to a movie, have lunch at one of my favorite restaurants, go shopping at the mall. I'm also taking her out for sushi. I just had my first experience with chopsticks, so I need to get some practice in before I forget how to use them. No, it's not that I've never had sushi, it's just that this particular restaurant doesn't allow forks. They'll bring you chopsticks that are rubber-banded together, but no fork. I was forced to learn.

I read a really good quote tonight that I need drilled into my brain. "Love isn't finding someone you can live with - it's finding someone you can't live without." That should definitely be a feeling shared by both parties.