Haven't posted in a while, and I'm too lazy to go back and read previous posts to see if I'll be repeating myself. Tonight is the night that I know my heart is about to be officially broken by the one I love. I've sent him an email that I know he won't like. He gets upset when I try to talk about my feelings, so I put it down on paper - or at least an email this time to see if he can finally understand. I explained to him some insecurities I've had. He tends to add to the insecurity just as often as not, and then he ridicules me for feeling like I don't measure up. I decided tonight that it's just not healthy to live your life wondering if today's the day your heart will be shattered.
I was having dinner with a friend the other night. He and I were discussing this whole new frontier of dating after, let's say 45, since that will include both of us. It's difficult because we now have 'baggage'. He sees his baggage in the 3 kids he's raising, and the difficult position that places him in. He's a wonderful guy. We've had lunches and dinners together a few times. He knows I'm seeing someone, but he says he needs friends to do things with. All of that was OK until he kissed me kind of out of the blue. Whoa! I've got a boyfriend, remember? He promised it wouldn't happen again. But it did. Just a couple of nights ago. I was upset over a few things that had happened with the boyfriend, who of course then immediately said that I'm just too insecure. Come on. If you go out to dinner, or to a symphony and the guy you're with spends more time checking out all of the other women, and very little time paying attention to you, wouldn't you feel a little insecure about 'measuring up'? Or is it just me? Should a man not only look at other women while in your presence, but also comment on their attire?
I had posed this question to my 'friend' during dinner. He found it to be rude behavior, which is exactly what I was thinking, which made me a little sad. Then he kissed me. Don't worry if you're reading this......it was completely g-rated. I was just taken by surprise. This second time he kissed me didn't offend me or set off alarms like the first time did. Maybe it's because he had just sat through dinner and a movie without once checking out the other women or commenting on what they were wearing. Maybe that's what I found so refreshing.
I expect to be without a boyfriend tomorrow. That's too bad since I have a company party coming up on the 10th. I was looking forward to having a date. Then again, he probably wouldn't have noticed I was there.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
The uncertainty of distance
Ugh! Public blogs! What a horrible place to air your thoughts! After all of the dating disasters, I did finally meet someone that has caught my eye. We started emailing at the end of June. I thought it was cute that he sent an email every day simply titled as the day of the week. He shared little pieces of his daily life. He was witty and funny, and definitely handsome according to his photos. Of course, I had learned that you can never trust a photo.......
We corresponded through July and into August, and one day he sent an email saying he was coming to town and would I have lunch with him? I just tried to post a photo so that anyone reading this would understand why I wouldn't say no, but the pictures are loaded on the other computer. So I said yes......It turned out that I had the grandkids that day. All 3 of them! I didn't think it would matter. After all, the guy lives in Sitka. (If you're not familiar with AK, just look as far south down the peninsula as you can. Sitka is closer to Seattle than Anchorage.) I wasn't taking this meeting too seriously. The kids were being well behaved (thank goodness) because when that man walked in, I literally couldn't breathe. Yeah. He was handsome in his photos, but that didn't begin to describe his entrance!
He was a bit shocked at seeing 3 kids. But he sat down and took it well. I made introductions, and this is the first time I had seen my 3 year-old granddaughter absolutely speechless. She literally didn't talk for 15 minutes, but just stared and batter her eyes at him. I tried to distract him with conversation, but her undivided attention was hard to ignore. After about 15 minutes of silence she blurts out "I love you". It came out airy and breathless. Conversation kind of stopped and I think I was holding my breath, but Brian was good about it. He just said "Wow! Thank you! That's special". Then Jordan started giggling. I was laughing, but I also recognized the fact that Jordan's taste in men is very similar to her Grandma's! Haha!
I was too distracted to tell what we may have discussed that day. When we finished our meal, we turned the kids loose as we strolled down to the end of the mall and back talking for a half hour. Jordan announced that she had to go potty, so he took that as an opportunity to begin his departure. He asked if I would meet him the next day for a walk on the coastal trail. Heck yeah!
I wasn't sure he would actually show up, but he called as I was pulling into the parking lot the next day and said he was just a few minutes away. I walked for about 15 minutes and then sat on a park bench overlooking the water, and 'sleeping lady'. We talked for over 2 hours. I don't know what we said. It was a blur. His blue eyes were fascinating. He was as tall as he had stated. He had claimed 48, but was actually 50. He confessed right away, and I decided it was forgiveable. When we walked back to our cars, it was a very awkward moment. We're strangers - what happens at this point? I didn't know, so I just said good-bye and walked to my car. Duh. It bothered me all afternoon. I had a feeling of uneasiness that just wouldn't go away.
I finally decided to text him. I sent a message saying I was uncomfortable about the way things were left. My phone immediately rang, and it was him. I couldn't bring myself to answer. I felt so foolish. He left a message saying that he had also felt the awkwardness, but that it was a good thing, because it meant we made a connection. What a nice thing to say!! That was the perfect explanation. I waited until the next day when I knew he was headed home to text him back and tell him that I was afraid it was one-sided. He came back with "Not one-sided, OK?" How sweet is that?
More to follow. It's 1:30 and I'm exhausted.
We corresponded through July and into August, and one day he sent an email saying he was coming to town and would I have lunch with him? I just tried to post a photo so that anyone reading this would understand why I wouldn't say no, but the pictures are loaded on the other computer. So I said yes......It turned out that I had the grandkids that day. All 3 of them! I didn't think it would matter. After all, the guy lives in Sitka. (If you're not familiar with AK, just look as far south down the peninsula as you can. Sitka is closer to Seattle than Anchorage.) I wasn't taking this meeting too seriously. The kids were being well behaved (thank goodness) because when that man walked in, I literally couldn't breathe. Yeah. He was handsome in his photos, but that didn't begin to describe his entrance!
He was a bit shocked at seeing 3 kids. But he sat down and took it well. I made introductions, and this is the first time I had seen my 3 year-old granddaughter absolutely speechless. She literally didn't talk for 15 minutes, but just stared and batter her eyes at him. I tried to distract him with conversation, but her undivided attention was hard to ignore. After about 15 minutes of silence she blurts out "I love you". It came out airy and breathless. Conversation kind of stopped and I think I was holding my breath, but Brian was good about it. He just said "Wow! Thank you! That's special". Then Jordan started giggling. I was laughing, but I also recognized the fact that Jordan's taste in men is very similar to her Grandma's! Haha!
I was too distracted to tell what we may have discussed that day. When we finished our meal, we turned the kids loose as we strolled down to the end of the mall and back talking for a half hour. Jordan announced that she had to go potty, so he took that as an opportunity to begin his departure. He asked if I would meet him the next day for a walk on the coastal trail. Heck yeah!
I wasn't sure he would actually show up, but he called as I was pulling into the parking lot the next day and said he was just a few minutes away. I walked for about 15 minutes and then sat on a park bench overlooking the water, and 'sleeping lady'. We talked for over 2 hours. I don't know what we said. It was a blur. His blue eyes were fascinating. He was as tall as he had stated. He had claimed 48, but was actually 50. He confessed right away, and I decided it was forgiveable. When we walked back to our cars, it was a very awkward moment. We're strangers - what happens at this point? I didn't know, so I just said good-bye and walked to my car. Duh. It bothered me all afternoon. I had a feeling of uneasiness that just wouldn't go away.
I finally decided to text him. I sent a message saying I was uncomfortable about the way things were left. My phone immediately rang, and it was him. I couldn't bring myself to answer. I felt so foolish. He left a message saying that he had also felt the awkwardness, but that it was a good thing, because it meant we made a connection. What a nice thing to say!! That was the perfect explanation. I waited until the next day when I knew he was headed home to text him back and tell him that I was afraid it was one-sided. He came back with "Not one-sided, OK?" How sweet is that?
More to follow. It's 1:30 and I'm exhausted.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
One more dating story
This is actually a combination of 2 dates. I met both of these gentlemen (separately, of course) at Flat Top, which is a hiking area within a 20 minute drive of downtown Anchorage. The first one showed up carrying about 50 extra lbs of weight. It's OK if a hiker wants to carry extra weight in a backpack, but it wasn't near as appealing around his waist.
This was in June, so hiking season had just begun and I wasn't in top form myself, but come on, at least my photo was a true depiction. The first third of the climb takes you to the first 'saddle', which is a wide, flat part of the trail where you can rest and take in the view. He needed a long rest to continue to the second 'saddle'. By the time we arrived there, he was so out of breath that he said there was no way he could go the rest of the way up. Well, I wasn't giving up a perfectly good hiking day because he couldn't keep up, so I did the last third without him.
Now, fast-forward a couple of weeks to the second date (different guy) at Flat Top. I met him at a coffee shop, and then we proceeded from there. I was driving my son's Wrangler, which, among other things, doesn't have a working gas gauge. We made our way up to the parking lot. Mind you, this guy wasn't packing ANY extra weight. I let him know that I was not in top form, but that I was making great progress toward recovery from 2 recent shoulder surgeries. All I can say about this one is - he practically RAN up that trail. He would stop at the saddles and wait for me, but he must have felt about me, the same way I felt about the previous guy. So, OK, it wasn't going well. We chatted a little on the way back down, and despite leaving me in the dust on the way up, he was very personable and friendly on the way down.
We climbed into the Wrangler and began the almost-downhill-all-the-way drive back to the coffee shop. We passed a couple that this guy knew and he said hello to them as we drove by. On the only part of the drive back that was just the smallest bit of an incline, the Wrangler died. I had just put gas in a few days before so I had no idea what was up. He kept saying it sounded like it was out of gas. I was embarrassedly trying to get the thing started when the couple he had said hello to pulled up beside us to ask what was wrong. He told them that it appeared we had run out of gas, and asked them for a ride back to his car. Huh? I was already on the phone talking to my son about a rescue, and I missed most of the final exchange as he jumped out of my car and in with them. Thankfully, my son was on his way.
After a few minutes, I turned the key one more time, and surprisingly, got it started and made my way up the remainder of the hill. Just as I reached the downhill side, it died again, but now I had momentum. I coasted down through the curves, made my way down Hillside Drive, and turned onto the main road. There was quite a bit of traffic, and although I could have made it a bit farther, I decided I shouldn't endanger anyone else's life.
It was about then that my cell phone rang. It was my date calling to tell me that he had a gas can in his car, had filled it, and was on his way back. I told him my son was on his way, so he said I should call my son and let him know that I didn't need him to come up, then I lost the call. I didn't have the opportunity to tell him that I had coasted most of the hill. I couldn't reach my son either, so I just waited to see who would show up first.
My son was the quick one. He put gas in the tank and told me to follow him to the station so he could make sure I made it. We headed down the hill. I had a little bit of an idea what the date had driven, but not a positive ID. I didn't spot him at any point before I reached the gas station. I waved my son off, filled the tank, tried repeatedly to reach the date, and just waited. Finally the phone rings. He's confused that he can't find me on the hill. I explain. He says to wait there so he can come and get some stuff he left in the Wrangler. I wait. He shows up, grabs said stuff, and retreats to his car with a few "don't worry about it"s, and he's off.
I saw him on-line later that afternoon. We chatted a little, and he teased me about running out of gas. He also informed me that it was his birthday, and the least I could have done was buy him ice cream. It seemed that everything had worked out OK, and maybe there would be a second date. I would be OK with that.
The next day, I went to the dating website and found that he had erased his entire profile. Ouch! Needless to say, there has been no further contact. Oh well!
Just in case he ever reads this - he might want to know that my son, his wife, and I deduced that the gas that I had, indeed, put into the tank had been stolen a few days before. My grandson's bike disappeared from the carport, which, on it's own, would be a bit strange. Most likely, someone was in the process of stealing the gasoline and saw the bicycle on the carport and took it as well. Mystery solved.
He might also want to know that I have been running every other day for the last 5 months, and that I am in tip-top shape. I could probably race him to the top if I wanted to - which I don't.
This was in June, so hiking season had just begun and I wasn't in top form myself, but come on, at least my photo was a true depiction. The first third of the climb takes you to the first 'saddle', which is a wide, flat part of the trail where you can rest and take in the view. He needed a long rest to continue to the second 'saddle'. By the time we arrived there, he was so out of breath that he said there was no way he could go the rest of the way up. Well, I wasn't giving up a perfectly good hiking day because he couldn't keep up, so I did the last third without him.
Now, fast-forward a couple of weeks to the second date (different guy) at Flat Top. I met him at a coffee shop, and then we proceeded from there. I was driving my son's Wrangler, which, among other things, doesn't have a working gas gauge. We made our way up to the parking lot. Mind you, this guy wasn't packing ANY extra weight. I let him know that I was not in top form, but that I was making great progress toward recovery from 2 recent shoulder surgeries. All I can say about this one is - he practically RAN up that trail. He would stop at the saddles and wait for me, but he must have felt about me, the same way I felt about the previous guy. So, OK, it wasn't going well. We chatted a little on the way back down, and despite leaving me in the dust on the way up, he was very personable and friendly on the way down.
We climbed into the Wrangler and began the almost-downhill-all-the-way drive back to the coffee shop. We passed a couple that this guy knew and he said hello to them as we drove by. On the only part of the drive back that was just the smallest bit of an incline, the Wrangler died. I had just put gas in a few days before so I had no idea what was up. He kept saying it sounded like it was out of gas. I was embarrassedly trying to get the thing started when the couple he had said hello to pulled up beside us to ask what was wrong. He told them that it appeared we had run out of gas, and asked them for a ride back to his car. Huh? I was already on the phone talking to my son about a rescue, and I missed most of the final exchange as he jumped out of my car and in with them. Thankfully, my son was on his way.
After a few minutes, I turned the key one more time, and surprisingly, got it started and made my way up the remainder of the hill. Just as I reached the downhill side, it died again, but now I had momentum. I coasted down through the curves, made my way down Hillside Drive, and turned onto the main road. There was quite a bit of traffic, and although I could have made it a bit farther, I decided I shouldn't endanger anyone else's life.
It was about then that my cell phone rang. It was my date calling to tell me that he had a gas can in his car, had filled it, and was on his way back. I told him my son was on his way, so he said I should call my son and let him know that I didn't need him to come up, then I lost the call. I didn't have the opportunity to tell him that I had coasted most of the hill. I couldn't reach my son either, so I just waited to see who would show up first.
My son was the quick one. He put gas in the tank and told me to follow him to the station so he could make sure I made it. We headed down the hill. I had a little bit of an idea what the date had driven, but not a positive ID. I didn't spot him at any point before I reached the gas station. I waved my son off, filled the tank, tried repeatedly to reach the date, and just waited. Finally the phone rings. He's confused that he can't find me on the hill. I explain. He says to wait there so he can come and get some stuff he left in the Wrangler. I wait. He shows up, grabs said stuff, and retreats to his car with a few "don't worry about it"s, and he's off.
I saw him on-line later that afternoon. We chatted a little, and he teased me about running out of gas. He also informed me that it was his birthday, and the least I could have done was buy him ice cream. It seemed that everything had worked out OK, and maybe there would be a second date. I would be OK with that.
The next day, I went to the dating website and found that he had erased his entire profile. Ouch! Needless to say, there has been no further contact. Oh well!
Just in case he ever reads this - he might want to know that my son, his wife, and I deduced that the gas that I had, indeed, put into the tank had been stolen a few days before. My grandson's bike disappeared from the carport, which, on it's own, would be a bit strange. Most likely, someone was in the process of stealing the gasoline and saw the bicycle on the carport and took it as well. Mystery solved.
He might also want to know that I have been running every other day for the last 5 months, and that I am in tip-top shape. I could probably race him to the top if I wanted to - which I don't.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Over 40(ish) and dating
Man! It's tough out there. When my immediate family decided they were all leaving the state for various reasons, and would be gone for the full month of July (!), I decided I should consider finding friends my own age. After all, the 5, 3, and 2 year-old I normally play with were going to be unavailable. So how do you meet men of a certain age group? Where do they hide? Why, the internet of course! I looked at match.com, eharmony, and yahoo personals. For various reasons, I decided not to use any of the sites. Then I found singlesnet. I saw a few photos I liked, so I went with the one month membership just to test the waters. Hmmmmmm........ Within 3 days, I was calling the office and requesting the money-back guarantee. It seems there are a lot of people on these websites that are NOT who they claim to be. Con artists from South Africa, married men, and the biggest surprise of all - men who lie about their age!!
The first 'gentleman' I met claimed to be 56, divorced, and 5'9". As a newbie to this whole experience, I made the mistake of agreeing to let him pick me up for dinner. (I have now learned to meet them for coffee, lunch, or some sort of short duration.) We drove to Girdwood, AK, which is 30-45 minutes away to have dinner at the Double Musky. I have to say that I was a bit suspicious of the the age when I met him (he was 61), but it was also obvious that he was nowhere near 5'9". During dinner, I learned that he and his wife haven't yet filed for divorce. How many lies does a man think he can get away with? It only got worse when I told him I wasn't interested in dating a still-married man. Are you ready for this? He pulled out a business card and handed it to me. I saw a woman's name - and? He told me to turn it over, and on the back was written "Dennis and I have a platonic relationship only. He is free to do what he wants, when he wants, with whomever he wants." It was signed by his wife. I busted out laughing and accused him of writing it himself. He swore he didn't, and said he had provided one for his wife as well, like that made everything so much better.
Needless to say, I told him I preferred to just go home. On the way back, he actually reached over and grabbed me while asking "what size are you anyway?" OK! It was a hilarious story to share afterward, but to make it worse, the poor guy actually called me a few days later to ask to do it again. Um, no!
That's just the tip of the iceberg on this whole dating thing. I have so many more stories I can share along with some other day to day writings. I'm new at this, but I'll do my best to keep it from getting boring. :)
The first 'gentleman' I met claimed to be 56, divorced, and 5'9". As a newbie to this whole experience, I made the mistake of agreeing to let him pick me up for dinner. (I have now learned to meet them for coffee, lunch, or some sort of short duration.) We drove to Girdwood, AK, which is 30-45 minutes away to have dinner at the Double Musky. I have to say that I was a bit suspicious of the the age when I met him (he was 61), but it was also obvious that he was nowhere near 5'9". During dinner, I learned that he and his wife haven't yet filed for divorce. How many lies does a man think he can get away with? It only got worse when I told him I wasn't interested in dating a still-married man. Are you ready for this? He pulled out a business card and handed it to me. I saw a woman's name - and? He told me to turn it over, and on the back was written "Dennis and I have a platonic relationship only. He is free to do what he wants, when he wants, with whomever he wants." It was signed by his wife. I busted out laughing and accused him of writing it himself. He swore he didn't, and said he had provided one for his wife as well, like that made everything so much better.
Needless to say, I told him I preferred to just go home. On the way back, he actually reached over and grabbed me while asking "what size are you anyway?" OK! It was a hilarious story to share afterward, but to make it worse, the poor guy actually called me a few days later to ask to do it again. Um, no!
That's just the tip of the iceberg on this whole dating thing. I have so many more stories I can share along with some other day to day writings. I'm new at this, but I'll do my best to keep it from getting boring. :)
Friday, October 24, 2008
New beginnings
My life has been such a roller coaster lately that I never know from one moment to the next what I'll feel. I had a few medical tests today that lifted my spirits. On the first visit I made to this doctor at the end of last year, I was shocked to discover that my weight was 204 lbs. It's amazing how it can sneak up on you. I've been recovering from shoulder injuries/surgeries for almost 5 years, but I've finally reached a good range of motion, and I'm pain-free since my cortisone shot in May. I started the Cool Runnings "from the couch to the 5K" program in June. I was elated today to find that the 50+ lb weight loss has ended my need for cholesterol medication and anti-hypertensives. I felt so good after my dr visit that I dressed for the cold weather, grabbed my ipod, sunglasses, gloves and warm headband and hit the pavement for a 5 mile outing. I ran the first 3 in 28 minutes 36 seconds, walked 1/2 mile, and ran another 1-1/2 miles for good measure. I found a little piece of myself that has been missing for a few years.
Losing weight also gave me the courage to think about 'dating' again after almost 10 years of being alone. Oh my! The stories I have to tell about that! But those will wait for another day.
Right now, I've discovered someone who takes my breath away, but the distance between us is a huge deterrent. Not to mention that he seems just as 'damaged' by past events as I am. When we get to spend time together, we cook together, go hiking, go running, snuggle up and watch movies, and just enjoy being. The time apart brings difficulty and misunderstandings. I guess the public domain isn't the best place to divulge details on the hardships of a long-distance relationship.
It's quiet at night with all the kids in their beds. We got through 3 hours of playing with no fighting and no crying. 9 o'clock snuck up on me before I knew what was happening. We hurried to clean up before mommy got home, but she might catch on when she finds the disaster that is now Jordan's room. OOPS! Sorry Mommy!
Losing weight also gave me the courage to think about 'dating' again after almost 10 years of being alone. Oh my! The stories I have to tell about that! But those will wait for another day.
Right now, I've discovered someone who takes my breath away, but the distance between us is a huge deterrent. Not to mention that he seems just as 'damaged' by past events as I am. When we get to spend time together, we cook together, go hiking, go running, snuggle up and watch movies, and just enjoy being. The time apart brings difficulty and misunderstandings. I guess the public domain isn't the best place to divulge details on the hardships of a long-distance relationship.
It's quiet at night with all the kids in their beds. We got through 3 hours of playing with no fighting and no crying. 9 o'clock snuck up on me before I knew what was happening. We hurried to clean up before mommy got home, but she might catch on when she finds the disaster that is now Jordan's room. OOPS! Sorry Mommy!
Sad conversations
Rachelle, I see you've discovered my blog. It almost embarrasses me that you'll be reading my writing, but I truly need an outlet these days. I just had one of the saddest, yet most uplifting conversations with Jaycob. It was almost like he's just been waiting for the right time to talk to me about Abigayl's death. We said his usual prayer as I was putting him to bed, but when I got up to leave the room, he asked if I am still sad about Abigayl. Of course, that brings tears that I just can't control. When he saw the tears in my eyes, he started crying. I hugged him and he told me that he's so sad about Abigayl that sometimes he wishes he was in heaven too. We had almost a one hour discussion about how happy Abigayl is in heaven, whether she has the fastest wings, how to feel her in our hearts, and how we'll get to see her again when we die. I assured him that he has a long time to live and that we will love each other and laugh a lot. We talked about our spirits and how we get new bodies in heaven. He wanted to know if Goliath would still be a giant. He wanted to know what Abigayl's new body looked like, and where is her old one. I covered that as gently as I could, and I promised that some day he could go to the place where we left her body. We said a prayer and asked Jesus to keep us happy together until we can see Abigayl and Oscar again. He told me he felt happy again, and that he was ready to go to sleep. This is tough ground for a 5 year old, but it seemed like it had been on his mind. I did the best I could, so I hope he knows that it's OK to be sad when he misses her, but it's OK to be happy since he gets to live for a long time. He did make me promise that we would go see Jesus together.
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